Christmasy Shenanigans

Christmas is coming, and I am home! It seems like forever ago that I was in Majuro, wearing a skirt, flipflops, and sweating in December! At least I am in California, so I am not in too much shock :) It's so wonderful to be able to see family this year, but at the same time I of course long to see my students and kids. I got a package from Nicole Ley who is teaching my kids this year in 6th grade in Majuro, and they made me cards! It made my day! I still think about them every day, and I hope they have a good Christmas, too.

Well, we are keeping Christmas low-key this year, because now that we're old, we realized that pretty much all we need is each other. I haven't seen Stacey for.... shoot I can't even remember the last time I saw her. So I am really looking forward to seeing Stace, Ted, Chris, and everyone else. I love my family. My dad and I are currently sitting watching the 49er game. He gets really into it :) And... we're losing. Which is unfortunate. Hopefully we can turn around and bring it back.

Which reminds me, Zac, Nate Miller, and I went to the football game last Monday night. It was good times! We won, and the energy was incredible! Minus some slight car trouble, we got there, enjoyed the game, didn't freeze too bad, and got home around 2. Hmm. And Friday I went over to Healdsburg to pick up my car to see if it would work this time. The starter is evidently not working. Boo. But Matilda started, so she is home!

We picked Lizi up at the airport Friday night, she stayed the weekend, and her and Zac left to go to Laura & Chris's wedding in Ukiah. So today my dad and I are just hanging out. Not too much on the agenda. I realized my life is moderately boring, but I am loving it. I can't believe Christmas is only 5 days away, I wish Christmas season would last longer. I love all the movies and music and happiness :) Oh well. I am done writing, I tend to ramble. So I'm done!

One of those days...

Ever have one of those days? Well, I've been having one of those days... for the past week and a half. I can't seem to shake off this funk! I'm slowly on my way to recovery from this odd haze that has been following me around, like a sneaky little fly that you can't seem to kill. I have been trying to attack those feelings of uselessness with a fork. It has not been working as well as I'd like. But I have come to learn that it's okay to have these funks, to go through these motions of questioning and doubt, because maybe, just maybe, we are going through these hardships for a reason. Perhaps I am supposed to be feeling this way, because through feeling like crap and like I'm not making a difference, I will learn to make a difference- I will learn to be better, to be more than I am, to be a bigger person. So there you have it, world. Carrie Eilzabeth Cloke is not settling for feeling this way. I am tired of sitting feeling like I have no voice, like I am not good enough, like I am not big enough to take on the world! Well, look out. Because I intend on proving you wrong, one step at a time, I am going to change the world. And you can tell me that I am not good enough, and you can tell me that I'm not making an impact, but the truth is, I am. I am changing the world with love and peace, through humbling myself enough to accept that I am not perfect, and that I never will be. So, look out world, I'm going to kick your sorry little butt.

Sincerely,
Carrie. <3

Blogging

Emotions of the moment: Contemplative, a smudge sad, and cold. (If cold is really an emotion?)

I'm missing Majuro again. It happens quite often actually. I see pictures of my students from last year and wish that I could teach them again. I was definitely not the most amazing teacher, but I was a good friend. And I miss my fun 6th grade friends. :) 23 faces that brought so many personalities together to form the greatest group of kids i've ever met. And I miss them like crazy.

I am, however, loving the 160 or so new faces that I have gotten to know here. These kids are so great. I call them kids, when in reality they are only a few years younger than me. Which is weird to think, not that long ago I was in their shoes. Which is pretty cool, actually, that I am here working in the same spot I was three years ago, just on the other side. I've gotten attached to these teenagers. Some of them ask me if I am coming back next year, and I have to tell them no. Which makes me sad. Maybe I will be able to come back in a few years after I finish school.

Which reminds me, I really miss Walla Walla. And my friends. I keep seeing pictures of my old WW buds and it makes me sad. It's easy to get lonely here when there is only 2 or 3 other people close to your age. Jim and Brian being the only from my class. I miss the companionship of being in classes, learning, and meeting up for lunches or going out to coffee. I miss the little things of college. Not so much the learning, but the people. The familiarity. The family of it all.

Don't get me wrong, I love it here and I have great friends and I love my job. But it just gets lonely sometimes, that's all. I am not writing to wallow, just writing my thoughts aloud, I suppose.

Well, what else is new with me? I went home last weekend to be with my parents. It was fun, but I can't wait til I can go home for a whole week and just relax. And I do miss Zackie, too. We haven't hung out for awhile, though we are going out to dinner tonight.

Really wish I could be more interesting in this blog writing thing. I am not very artistic, so I can't share any pictures I've drawn or songs I've written. All I can do is fill you in on my life. Which is what I'm doing. Well, I am going to go. So glad there are so many of you reading this.

If you are reading this, Hollie Macomber, Lizi Rosenburg, Laura Lawson, Gaby Weiman.... I miss you. :)

2AM

2 AM and I'm still awake writing a blog...

Sounds familiar-ish. If only I could actually be writing a song, because that would make my insomnia much cooler.. Anna Nallick would have been proud. Alas, I am awake. It is approx 2:15 AM, but last night was Daylight's Savings so I guess it would usually be around 3:15. I am feeling WIDE awake and wishing I could eat some ice cream. Wishing I could be at the beach, capturing the sunrise through a nixon d40x lens. I wish I had remembered to bring a fan to have some white noise. I wish that I could give an adorable kitten a home. I wish that my best friends were not in three separate states. I wish that my computer would stop dying while trying to watch OTH. I wish that more people would be willing to give up some of themselves to help others. Wish that I could be brave enough to pursue a dream. I wish that that someone meant for me would make themselves known. I wish that traffic didn't exist. I wish that I had discovered Owl City sooner. I wish that more people in the world liked Vanilla milkshakes. (I mean, come on, Strawberry and Chocolate milkshake lovers strongly outnumber us!) I wish that there were more restaurants as cheap as Taco Bell. I wish that gas was not so expensive. Wish that I could visit friends. I am wishing I could pull off being a brunette? (Too nervous to actually do it) I wish that I could learn more than 3 guitar chords. Wish that I could learn the guitar without having to practice and without my fingers hurting. Wish I wasn't so whiny sounding in this blog. :) I guess I wish for a lot of things, but that's not so wrong is it? Life is good, and I am going to keep on wishing. Sooner or later ONE of those things are bound to become reality. Sweet.

It's raining.... hamburgers?

Go see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. I LOVED it. Seriously. I think it's my new favorite movie. Clean, hilarious, and based off of my favorite kid's book! :) Do it!

Back in High School? :)

Dang. It's been awhile. So my journey has brought me back to high school- that's right, back to Rio Lindo Academy, where it all began. I am working as a Task Force Chaplain, and so far it's been great. We are only into our 2nd week of school, and Week of Prayer is next week. I have been doing a bit of planning and organizing for that, and we are also all lined up to attend a Starfield/Article One concert in September! My birthday is coming up soon.. I will be 20! No longer a teenager. Thanks for everyone who constanly remind me that I am a baby. Haha. Man, life is full of transitions. I am trying to transition back into eating at the cafe. Believe me, that is probably the hardest part of working here. There are some lonely times, when I remember that I am kind of by my lonesome in the college dept. But then I remember that God did bring me here for a reason. And, so far, I am having a lot of fun working with this age group. Perhaps this is the age I was meant to work with afterall. It just took an island and some time out of college to figure that out. However, I am still really up in the air on the major thing. I know what you're thinking, JUST DECIDE ALREADY! But it's not that easy, for me at least. I am really wanting to do something I love, that I have a passion for. Psychology is still in the front of my mind, but with planning and being in charge of events, I've also contemplated doing some sort of PR work. I love people, and working with people, and talking with people; think it's a good match? Perhaps. We'll see. One more year, and back to school. I have missed it. And I sorta do feel like I am missing a lot by not going to school for the past 2 years, but you know what, I have a feeling, in the end, it will be worth it. :)

Life after the island: A month later

I'm at this point in my life where I know who I am and what I'm about, but I don't know where I am going and who I will become. I am uncertain about the future, I am confused about what I am supposed to do; what my purpose in this world should be. I long to make a difference, to reach out to someone, to change someone's life.... but how? I am stuck in a spiritual rut, where I want to get to know God better, but lack the discipline and motivation to do so. I am constantly making the same mistakes, and finding myself so utterly ashamed and wondering how I got to where I am standing. I have become more self-absorbed. I am always trying to figure out ways to better myself, to find things that can make me look better. I am finding myself being sucked into the media hype; always on my computer, cell phone, watching TV. I am feeling inadequate, unsure if I can go through with what God called me to do next year. I feel as if I am in no place to be helping others when I can't even help myself, or even decipher what it is that I feel. I'm a little out of my element here. I am missing my island life more than ever. I want to go back and sit on the rocks overlooking the ocean, spending time with God, loving my kids, listening to the gentle sway of the palm trees, bask in the humid-dry air, and hug my students again. I've been asked dozens of times if I have had any culture shock, and my answer was always, "no." Here I am, a month later, and I am just now realizing how wonderful my life last year was. Next year holds many new challenges for me to face. And I know I can't do it without Him by my side, "carrie-ing" (get it?) me through. Open doorways, open skies, open hearts.